Letters To my Romeo: Part 1

1

Every time you come over is a new episode for my melodrama.

Isn’t it?

If only I were a little more patient with the pain of denial. I was never patient. You see, with me everything had to be done in the moment; buying a book, forcing my parents to get me all my cellphones, computers or even hair straighteners, falling in love, leaving for good. It had to be done right then or never at all.

It was typical for me to wish you could fix things the second I destroyed them.

Its complicated you see, I look for shortcuts and steady answers. I love security but I am a little loose at times. I was a spoiled child, I always wanted more. Bigger slice of cake, best seat in the lounge, a perfect human to love.

Its easier for people to get off the track when they feel like trains of life don’t need any. What a surprise this was to me! I was the Monica from friends, always in control, always in charge of how I wanted to live how I wanted this or that, or everything. I was conceited and a little too proud of how I always had you.
For every time I fell, you caught me. You were my savior.

This, my dear friend and former lover, is a letter to you which I never thought I would have to write.

Its funny how our love story never began at first sight. We ran our course steady. Like a snowball we came down, collecting moments, adoring each other more and more every day. It was easier like breathing. You chose me in all of my absurdity and ugliness. You saw with your tiny Asian like eyes that no one else could see. You knew what was up, didn’t you? You used to bring me all the songs so dedicatedly… like you almost knew that they were all secretly for you, that I listened to them thinking of you on repeat till I could no longer think anymore. Yes I fell in love with you first but I still like to think that you dived in at the same time.

Yours forever,

N.

Diary of a lost cause.

Do you ever feel like that your luck is so ultimately screwed up that everything you do to feel like you are alive, backfires? Like the whole nature is after you, nudging you in the ribs that " No, bitch. i am not gonna let you do that. Or that. Or that either."

Its like your own skin isnt yours. it hurts. it itches. it bleeds.You hurt. You itch. You bleed.

I feel subconsciously pathetic.

It just happens sometimes that you just cant be happy. You feel like you are battling from the inside and nothing works. Nothing Works. I am not all that  "Let there be light" person but too much darkness is neurotic, confusing, homicidal.

So what is it that i want?
I want someone to listen, to the things i say,  the things is do, somebody who remembers how i used to smile and  i don't want them to talk. I don't want to be comforted. I just want someone to be there.

In solitude, all my monsters appear.

The depression apart, i find my self interesting. I want to belong. I want to be a part of something that is huge. I want to achieve, to learn, to be at the point where i make myself happy,

It has always been about happiness, no? Like when you get your very first bicycle and you think you finally have everything you ever wished for. Yet you keep on asking for more, and now that you laugh, you still think this isn't enough. you think you have friends but you are alone. You have it all but you have nothing.
The forever deficiency in our souls.

I am not needy for love. I am not needy for attention. Maybe i am, you never know with these things!

Its just that i want my life to have a meaning, i want to be somewhere i can be happy,where i can relate to things. I want to feel what a real laugh feels like, when your eyes twinkle and everything about you is everything that is everything.

Everything. That's probably what i want. To be free to have everything all at once.

To breathe once more. Openly, freely, finally.

I just don't want to cry any more. There is this point where you just cant cry. It all gets dried up there. When your shirt just cant soak any more of your tears. I don't want to get there just now.

I want to feel so many things apart from pain now at this moment. I want to be on the highest sledge of the world. I want to go to the place where dreams come from. I want the insomnia to disappear. I want the infinity to shrink and just spare me a second of relief, of bliss. I just want a whiff of what is heaven before i am sent off to my eternal demise.

I am selfish and i am an owner of a sad beaten up soul. I want to get the love i have silently been asking for all my life. For once i want to be something to someone. Just for a little while.

And what about leaving my mark in the world? 

With  my own bleeding wounds, why would i leave any scars elsewhere?

For now; i want to be loved, to be longed for, to be cried for.

I just want to sleep. I just want to rest in peace for now.

Wake me up when the wounds heal, when the pain ends.
For now, i just want to sleep.






Note to reader:
First off, thank you for giving it a read! Secondly, if you have somehow decided to believe that the article above is about my own self, its not.

The Lost Ones

The teenage years of our lives are bad ass, rebellious and loud. We do things which make others' hair raise and yet our own need of thrill doesn't seem to be satisfied at all..
Most of us commit to our teen sensations as soon as we turn 13. Some develop a habit of smoking, some are intrigued by sex and vulgarity,  some are crazed by the do's and don't s of fashion, some accept the religion as the most dominant part of their lives and some simply marry their text-books.

And then there's another kind- the Lost ones, the category i would put myself in.

 Being lost is not easy, You have to wake up everyday in search of finding your own self. A new You everyday.

Starting fresh; as easy or fun as it sounds, its probably one of the hardest things one ever goes through. The first time is always the hardest and eventually you develop a habit of starting new when you move from high school to college to university and finally to your office.

You try to blend in.  You go through sweet, sad, miserable, OK, awesome and not-so-awesome phases.
You make new friends. Some of them are nice and they sometimes stick with you till the very end while others are a gust of wind which comes with a lot of commotion but dies out very silently. You make mistakes,  go for the wrong friends and you learn lessons, really bitter ones. You go back to the people you can relate to and sometimes you end up with nowhere to go ...And then you grow up one day.
No matter what you do or who you are, you do grow up. Literally, if not mentally.

Phases, such a small word, entitled with such small time spans..Yet when you start joining these phases of yours together, you have a puzzle of your life solved right infront of you. Your birth, your crawling, you first word,  your elementary school, your first best friend, your first crush, your rebellions, puberty, maturity, graduation, marriage, death and life..

Now that i think of it, not only a particular set of people go through this Lost phase, in fact everyone does. That snobby girl in your class nobody liked, your parents, that hothead boss you had on your first job, your love interest, the mail-man of your building, all of them.
We all are lost in our ways. I have seen people aged 60 and still believing that they are young. I have seen people who had to provide an earning when they were mere children. I have seen people who gave up their innocence, honesty and dignity on the way to fame. I have seen  80 year old men and women begging on the streets and roads to feed their children. I  have seen people die in their teens and i have seen people laughing and dancing on their 100th birthday. I have seen rain and i have seen snow. I  have seen love and i have sure as hell seen hatred.
I am lost, just like you are.
But I have seen this universe.  I have seen that it ends up in us, the Lost ones.

Belief...

What is it? Why do we focus so much on this word and why does it matter so much on the planet we live on?

 The word itself comes in different sizes, types, sects and packages. Upon hearing it, every one of us places it into his/her own chain of thoughts. Some take it directly towards the religion they follow, while the rest handle the word with their own world of perceptions. What I have seen until now, belief can take a lot more  forms than just one. It can be not only used as merely the synonym for acceptance, it means a lot more than that. For some of us, belief isn’t just believing in something, it’s a shining ray of hope, trust and ofcourse, commitment!

I, for an individual, have never given much thought about beliefs except the belief of religion. I believe in a singular God and that He’s the bearer of all powers there are. You can make a person walk or talk or see again, but as a human being, you cannot create anything He can. You can make a plant or an organ grow artificially, but you cannot entitle someone a life neither you have the right to take one!

So how does a belief work? 

Well you don’t just commit to something overnight, right? You go through changes, new phases, experiments and learning to obtain a solid ideology to stand upon. For instance, once you are born, the first person who comes to aid you is your own mum. She feeds you, cleans you, helps you sleep and makes you stop crying your voice box out. She never fails to miss this routine and cares for you every second of the day and gradually you start to rely on her. You count on her that she‘ll be there for when you want food or when you need a diaper change! You start to believe in her…                               

You unintentionally make a connection so strong that even when you are reading this at a ripe age, you still depend on her for making your life, life!

My point being, we come to believe on something when we see a proof, a sighting, an experience which turns the table for our thoughts and mentality.
For that we need to genuinely make up our mind to hold on to it when we see something truthful and come to believe on it..

And why it falls apart.

Relationships.
They aren't always easy as pie. Quite often, we choose to believe that once we get into something, it's going to keep working on its own. Like in businesses, we find it easier to depend too much on our partner rather than getting up, thinking about something and doing it so it improves our venture, or i should say, relation.
There is a theory which says has two aspects. One of them says that man is basically a lazy-ass being. He procrastinates till its the end of  the world and this habit causes many,many disasters. And when you ignore or block so many things out, you usually don't end up being happy or satisfied or related to anyone!

The point is, you can't ride a car with its front wheels only. Relationships ask for contribution from both sides. One just can't be on and off with it. So when we do get into something, we need to realize that both parties are responsible in making it up to the top. If you are not doing your part right, you are a dead weight for the other person and you expect him/her to keep pulling you up- then at some point- they are bound to let you go.
 Love, friendships and relationships ask for attention, commitment and sincerity and they deserve it! Because if you know their worth, you know how beautiful it is to love someone and to know that they love you back. Make your commitment  the one which makes both of you happy.Treat your better half the way you want to be treated. Give love to get love, make your life a win-win!
And remember, compromise from only one side is the way to demise.

What We Need..

Every morning when you wake up, you have a whole new day.
 You work, you hangout with your peers, you watch t.v, you exercise or you just sit in a chair and stare at your computer's screen all day long.
Yes, you have a life and you believe you are doing it right.
BUT when you go to bed, you aren't always sure if you are whole, if you are complete or that do you really have a life.
There are nights when you lie still in your bed, eyes wide open and you are somewhere far, far away. You are in a place where you are happy, you are complete and you have someone to rely on..
Humans are strong beings, most of us don't break so easily. We are determined, well built ,we have control and we don't let anyone come close to us or know the inner us.
Why? 
Its not the fact that we are emotionally dead, its because we are shy, we WANT to fall for someone, we want to trust a person and never let them go.
We want to be loved, we want to go to places only we and that one person knows, we want to show how much we can give, how we much can we lose control and break in somebody's arms...
.
.
.
When you go to bed, you have a wish for a kiss goodnight.. You need a smile on your tired face and a glow and warmth of young love that last forever. And Ever.
We all need a hand to hold on to. whether we agree to it or not.
You can only be strong for how long?  Sometime, somewhere, you'll melt. You'll break.

Things We Say.

Our daily life experiences are often stupid and lame. We do things we are ashamed of and we often get caught.
The part i would like to share today is the control of your tongue and mind.
We hear things like "Think before you speak" and " Your way of speaking takes you uphill or downhill".
We don't give importance to these quotations, we have a justification for it; these quotes do not coincide with our era, that these are old and corny and that they belong to stone age or some other old-age.
Can we be ever more wrong than this? No.
Slip of tongue or as my friends call it " tongue of slip" is one of the major causes of major disasters.
We think before we speak, believing that we are right in every aspect and when the words come out, we feel as ashamed as anything and there are times when we say things that we'll regret all our lives.
I am not saying that you should spit honey when you speak, nobody can be sweet in all situations unless they are paid for it.
Just be nice, be calm and before you say something out loud, rephrase it in your head. Does it seem better now? More ethical and controlled? Better!

If that doesn't work, imagine that super rude thing you were just gonna say is said to YOU by someone else. Like it? i hope not.