Diary of a lost cause.

Do you ever feel like that your luck is so ultimately screwed up that everything you do to feel like you are alive, backfires? Like the whole nature is after you, nudging you in the ribs that " No, bitch. i am not gonna let you do that. Or that. Or that either."

Its like your own skin isnt yours. it hurts. it itches. it bleeds.You hurt. You itch. You bleed.

I feel subconsciously pathetic.

It just happens sometimes that you just cant be happy. You feel like you are battling from the inside and nothing works. Nothing Works. I am not all that  "Let there be light" person but too much darkness is neurotic, confusing, homicidal.

So what is it that i want?
I want someone to listen, to the things i say,  the things is do, somebody who remembers how i used to smile and  i don't want them to talk. I don't want to be comforted. I just want someone to be there.

In solitude, all my monsters appear.

The depression apart, i find my self interesting. I want to belong. I want to be a part of something that is huge. I want to achieve, to learn, to be at the point where i make myself happy,

It has always been about happiness, no? Like when you get your very first bicycle and you think you finally have everything you ever wished for. Yet you keep on asking for more, and now that you laugh, you still think this isn't enough. you think you have friends but you are alone. You have it all but you have nothing.
The forever deficiency in our souls.

I am not needy for love. I am not needy for attention. Maybe i am, you never know with these things!

Its just that i want my life to have a meaning, i want to be somewhere i can be happy,where i can relate to things. I want to feel what a real laugh feels like, when your eyes twinkle and everything about you is everything that is everything.

Everything. That's probably what i want. To be free to have everything all at once.

To breathe once more. Openly, freely, finally.

I just don't want to cry any more. There is this point where you just cant cry. It all gets dried up there. When your shirt just cant soak any more of your tears. I don't want to get there just now.

I want to feel so many things apart from pain now at this moment. I want to be on the highest sledge of the world. I want to go to the place where dreams come from. I want the insomnia to disappear. I want the infinity to shrink and just spare me a second of relief, of bliss. I just want a whiff of what is heaven before i am sent off to my eternal demise.

I am selfish and i am an owner of a sad beaten up soul. I want to get the love i have silently been asking for all my life. For once i want to be something to someone. Just for a little while.

And what about leaving my mark in the world? 

With  my own bleeding wounds, why would i leave any scars elsewhere?

For now; i want to be loved, to be longed for, to be cried for.

I just want to sleep. I just want to rest in peace for now.

Wake me up when the wounds heal, when the pain ends.
For now, i just want to sleep.






Note to reader:
First off, thank you for giving it a read! Secondly, if you have somehow decided to believe that the article above is about my own self, its not.